Drowning

My ass has been handed to me or school is kicking my ass? Take your pick....either way you get the idea.  It has been a month and I've had a few mini breakdowns.  I try not to let Bubba see otherwise he may start to worry.  I really don't like being away from Grady even though he makes me want to pull my hair out strand by strand sometimes.  I don't like that someone else gets to hear all of his funniness.  At least its Brad who is with him otherwise I'd really have a hard time.  Mary helps out too...but in the month I've been in school, she's only had him three times...not too bad.  Studying sucks serious butt.  My self diagnosed A.D.D. kicks into high gear when I attempt studying.  When I get home from school I try to focus on Grady until he goes to bed and then I read/study until midnight or so.....every.freaking.night.  I feel like I'm barely surviving.  I forgot how much gets put to the side when I'm in school and have too many things going on and I don't like it at all.  For example, I cleaned my bathroom for the first time in three weeks last week...that's gross.  My room is still waiting to be cleaned.  I've gone groccery shopping one time since school started.  We eat out a lot right now...I don't like that.  Once a week is nice, but every night? Ugh.  Brad will do the shopping if I make a list...but I don't even want to think about that or planning out our meals.  I do the laundry a few times a week only because we run out of clean clothes.  It may/may not get put away though.  I do not like living in chaos.  I keep telling myself that soon I'll find a routine and it'll get easier...I'm just waiting for that to happen.  It needs to happen soon before I give up.

Denial....My Coping Mechanism

This pic has nothing to do with this post..it's just my fave from this summer.

I told myself that I needed to start "practicing" getting up early and pretending to be productive....what a joke!  I get up with Grady, but there's really no productivity going on.  We eat breakfast, watch some TV, maybe start a load of laundry and then we get ready for the day.  Which is usually swimming, beach or park.  My plan for the summer was to run all the crazy out of this boy until he was begging for bed.  I succeeded.  He's been one exhausted little dude.  I love it!  I just didn't count on me being so exhausted either.  We've had a great, mellow summer and I'm sad its coming to an end.  Summer ends for me next Monday.  Then the new life begins.    

It's That Time....

When all I think about is blogging.  It's been over a YEAR!! How did that happen? We are about to embark on another new adventure in our life and I've decided to document it for my prosperity.  It'll be interesting to see how the next few years go, but something tells me we'll survive...barely, but we will survive!!  Brad and I will be on survival mode and hopefully Grady won't notice and his world won't be completely turned upside down.  I even created a new blog for our new adventure, but couldn't fathom breaking up with my Helpmebubba blog.  This here blog has quite a bit documented on it already...infertility, journey to deciding on adoption, then the whole process, my frustrations and excitement of it all, job loss, death & sickness, our miracle, moving, adjusting to life as a Mom, caring for my Grandfather etc., etc.  I can't even wrap my head around breaking up with this here blog! I get all emotional just thinking of it.

After three years of moving to Southern CA for a change of career for Brad, it has finally worked out.  I must say that if it weren't for Grady, Brad and I would like to completely erase the last few years.  It seemed like we couldn't catch a break for nothing! But, now as time has passed and we have hindsight we can say we were only being prepared for what is to come.  I sound all mysterious huh?  Brad is now working for an oil refinery, which means we now have stability...you don't realize how important it is until you don't have it!  I have been accepted into nursing school!! Woohoo!! I start in TWO WEEKS! I'm freaking out just a tad over that...okay more than a tad..more like A LOT! I'm excited to get it done with.  I'm not excited about not spending every second with Grady.  As much as he drives me insane, I don't know what to do with myself when he's not with me.  How does that happen? I'm a control freak when it comes to him and now to have to have someone else call the shots freaks me out like crazy.  That someone else is actually just Brad and my sister....but still!! I want to know everything he does all day long and I will drive them both crazy with my constant questions and text messages for pictures of him throughout the day.  I'm more nervous about being without Grady than I am about starting the nursing program.  Hopefully, I can find a balance between school and being a decent mom and wife. My other role will be zombie, since I don't plan on getting much sleep...like ever. again.!!

One of my BFF's, Yannette, has added three more children to their family...so that makes SIX children for them ages 9 to 6 months...and she's only the ripe old age of 28!!  Now she is one busy Momma.  I figure if she can deal with 6 kids, work part time from HOME and still be a good wife....then I can do a juggling act as well.  Her role seems a lot harder to me than student, wife and mother of one.  I just keep telling myself that I CAN DO HARD THINGS....and if I fail at it, I won't admit it.  I'll just give the world "the bird" with a smile on my face....

And Just Like That....

he's gone. Crazy. No words yet.

Still Hanging On.....Barely

My Grandad is still hanging onto this life.....barely. The last few days have been an absolute "trip" to say the least. I wasn't prepared. I don't know how anyone can be if you've never literally watched someone die before. It's not like the movies. It is u.g.l.y.!! I've had a few breakdowns....again not easy. The last one was this morning when I went to check on my Grandad and the "death rattle" is oh so prevalent, his breathing so very labored and shallow....and his eyes....are completely sunken into his skull. It's crazy. I wasn't prepared for that this morning. Last night when I checked on him, after I got home from school, he was nice and peaceful. I thought I'd find him like that again. Nope. He is 100% unresponsive now and has a high fever. He chose the long, drawn out way to pass to the other life. Hopefully, he isn't suffering. I don't think he is...with all that morphine and ativan they are giving him. Hopefully, he doesn't feel the fight that his body is putting up. Hopefully, he's having a heck of a good dream and doesn't realize what's up. Hopefully, he knows how much he is loved and how much he will be missed. I didn't realize it would be this difficult.

In a State of Wishy-Washy

I say that my Grandad is in a state of "whishy washy"-ness....hospice calls it a see-saw decline. I, personally, like my diagnosis better. I have a love/hate relationship with hospice. They sersiously give my Grandad a death sentence (that's what I call it, not them) every month. It's crazy. Seriously crazy. However, he was issued his April death sentence last week. I rolled my eyes....whatever. Then Wednesday happened. To spare all the nitty gritty details........the man who lives upstairs is not my Grandad anymore...well, not really....he is a shell of my Grandad. He has aged at least 10 years in the past year that we've lived here. He has lost the ability to do a lot of simple things that he was able to do a month ago. Including feeding himself. His mind is sooo very slow its not my Grandad. For those that know my Grandad you know that isn't him. It takes him FOREVER to respond to you. Crazy! Anyhow, Friday hospice told us that he has anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. He is in heart failure and has a wound that indicates he's in the end stage of life.....like the very very end stage. Its crazy to watch. I keep thinking that he's gonna be the exception to the rule.....that the wound will get better and he'll miraculously recover......again. It wouldn't really surprise me if he did. But, we're told that does not happen. So, we wait......we wait for him to pass from this life to the next. So freaking weird.